Adoption isn’t for the faint of heart. There are often long waits, lots of drama, pain, and heartache. The journey isn’t really sunshine and rainbows. You have to be strong. If you aren’t strong, going through the adoption process will make you strong. You have to learn that possible heartbreak is a risk you are willing to take. You do it in spite of those things. Because you know that SOMEDAY, somehow, someway…you will be holding a child in your arms and all of that will have been worth it.
You don’t forget the pain. I still get choked up when I think of our failed adoptions. I still feel sadness when I think about what “could have been”. I just don’t focus on it anymore. Each and every child that was “almost yours” still holds a piece of your heart and nothing will ever change that. And then one day your child calls you “mama” and you know that this is just the road you had to take to get here.
As we are still awaiting our final adoption, I feel the same feelings as I did the first time. The anxiousness, the fear that it won’t happen, the hope and the faith. All of those things—both good and bad can eat at you if you let it.
A friend of mine posted on Instagram a few days ago to, “FIND JOY IN THE JOURNEY”. This is now my focus. We will keep moving. When we hit brick walls, we will know that this is all part of Ruby’s story. To get to her, we had to do this. Each and every happy moment, each and every failure, each and every possible match—they are all a small piece of what it took to get her in our arms.
It’s scary, letting go. As an admitted control freak, it’s particularly hard for me. The baby in Savannah still rings in my heart even though I know she will not be ours. I still think of her every day and wonder what could have been. I’m learning to process it. I’m ALLOWING myself to process it.
We will continue to raise funds as best we can. We will continue to put our names out there. We will continue to network UNTIL. The Savannah baby was particularly hard because I fear what her life will be like. Will she bounce from foster home to foster home her entire life? Will she ever know a mother’s love? That situation was incredibly painful.
Yet there was joy even in that situation. My son was able to play in the ocean. He had the time of his life and we will never forget those precious moments. I was able to reconnect with one of my very best friends in life because of this trip. We learned that sometimes people do things that are unpredictable and we have to learn to bend.
It’s about life lessons. It’s about moving forward even in the hardest situations. It was about pulling together as a family and getting THROUGH it. In times like these, I get to see the beauty of my husband’s heart. When he looked at me and said, “Baby, we have to let her go. No matter how hard you try, you can’t make this happen”, it really hit home with me.
If something feels forced and it doesn’t feel right—it probably isn’t. I need to learn to trust myself and move forward as life allows me to do so. I’m a fighter. I will fight and fight and fight for my family with all that I am. Corey said a lot to me in those two little sentences. Even in the fight, there is a time to let go. There is a time where you’ve done all that you can.
There is a birth mother out there right now looking for us. She may be thinking that the “right” family isn’t going to come along. She may feel like giving up herself. Maybe she has many options. Perhaps she will see something in us that feels like home to her. My hope is that wherever she is, she finds us. When she does, I hope she sees that our hearts are genuine. I hope she knows that this baby will be loved and adored as much as our sweet Logan.
I can’t find her if I am still fighting for a lost cause.
So here I go…traveling a new road. My hope is that we are the answer to her hopes and her wishes for her baby. Perhaps she is also traveling this same road and we will meet in the middle. I will never find her if I am sitting at this dead end, this I know.
One step at a time, one day at a time, and one prayer closer to our little love.