My heart continues to hold onto you even though my head tells me to let go. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about you. You are somewhere in a foster home…and I’m sure they love you. I’m sure you are being taken care of quite well, or at least I hope this to be the case. You deserve a forever family. I know that there is a chance your foster family will want to adopt you. I don’t know if that is the case or not. I think that if I knew, my heart would be at peace.
I wish with all of my heart that your mother would contact children’s services and tell them what her plans were for you. I wish this with all of my heart. I don’t believe that will ever happen. She isn’t answering my texts again and she is still afraid for herself at this point. Sometimes as adults we can be quite selfish. Her heart should be completely with you and your best interests. But she has another battle to face. One of addiction that I will never understand. This is where her loyalty lies at this point in her life.
Someday she will probably look back at all of this and be heartbroken at the chance she could have given you but chose the drug over her baby. Someday she will feel that pain. You may think that she deserves this pain for abandoning you in the hospital the way that she did. Try to understand the best you can—she too was an abused child. Her mother was pumping drugs into her at a very young age. It’s all she knows. My heart even breaks for her.
I can’t imagine having the life she led. I can’t imagine being an addict as a child of twelve. I know she still loves you. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t continue to ask about you. I just wish that I had the answers she is looking for—I don’t. No one will tell me anything because I’m not directly tied to this case. Oh, how I’ve tried. I’ve called caseworkers, I’ve called their supervisors, I’ve called the social services department at the hospital, I’ve called the attorneys—I’ve hit brick wall after brick wall.
I pray for you each and every day…each and every night.
My hope is that the home you are in wants to keep you if you cannot be with us. My hope is that they are where we were a few years ago—patiently yet anxiously awaiting that placement and that finalization. Perhaps you are the answer to their prayers and not mine.
Perhaps we had to become involved in order for you to get where God wanted you to be. I may never know.
I will come to peace with it all eventually, I’m sure. In the meantime, my heart is still hurting for you. If you do come to be with us, I will always know that you went through the toughest time of your life without your mama. I wasn’t there to hold you as you went through the withdrawals…the countless nights crying in pain and wishing it all away. My hope is still that you may come home. My wish is for your happiness always.
You have a piece of my heart forever, little one.
Your mama that may never be. ❤