"Why Didn’t She Want Him?"

I hear horror stories (almost daily) from my blogger friends / adoptive mamas about what the general public has the stones to ask in regards to adopted children. I’ve not experienced most of this just yet, and quite frankly, it will be a bad day for someone if they direct some of those questions my way. Typically, words and the things that come out of people’s mouths do not shock me. However, if someone directs rude or offensive questions to my child (or even about him) regarding his adoption, it may be a different kind of ball game. Mama Lion may just decide to come out to play.

I’m sure the questions regarding Logan’s race will lead to several adoption-related conversations. I’m prepared for responses on most of these, even the rude ones. I have rehearsed these things in my head and have planned answers for all of the things I’ve thought that someone would ask. And I know that most people are truly curious, caring, and do not have bad intentions. Those people can just disregard this entire rant altogether—this is not directed towards you.

That being said, we live in a small town. My husband really does look like his father’s side of the family and they have been in this area for generations. People know who he is even before he speaks. Corey also has a job where he deals with the public on a daily basis, so he knows a lot of people through his job. We are stopped quite frequently when people see us out and about with the baby.
There have been three incidents within the past month where someone asked, “Why didn’t his mother want him?” or something of the like. This touches SUCH a raw nerve with me. Part of it is that I know how much Logan’s birth mother did want to keep him. I know that she placed Logan for adoption with his best interest (and the interest of her other children) in mind. It had absolutely nothing to do with “want”.

Second thought: WHY would you automatically assume that a birth mother placed her child with another family because she didn’t want him/her? What a horrific assumption to make. Even before we considered adoption, I never would have “gone there”. I think my initial thought was always that the birth mother’s circumstances did not allow for her to be able to keep the child. I truly believe that is the case with the vast majority of private adoptions in this country.
 
Now there ARE cases where the children are removed and they don’t have the choice. That is a different situation altogether—talk about apples and oranges. I’m in no way referring to such cases.

There are also cases where the birth mother just does not feel the “motherly connection” with a child and probably never will. But really, those are few and far between, people. To assume that this is the case is just so beyond me. It makes me want to start THROWING apples and oranges. Just saying.
One man has asked us this question twice. If he asks again, my response will be much more blunt and obnoxious. I will not apologize, either. He should have it by now. Really. 
 
*runs away screaming and pulling out my hair*
That’s about all of that for one day.
On a happier and more personal note:  I get my new car today–wooohoo!!!!!
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7 thoughts on “"Why Didn’t She Want Him?"

  1. Mel- this bothers me more than anything else anyone can say. I had a "friend" say when Vivi was about 3 months "how could someone give up a baby that smiles this much" and I cried and cried. It hurt so much to hear that. Does this mean ugly babies should be "given away" according to her? Why did his mother not want him? She very much DID!! She wanted him so much that she gave him life and hand picked a family to raise him. That is how much he was wanted and loved. I think next time that is said you need to get real irritated, real fast. 😉

  2. Hey Laurie…I just saw this! Oh it crawls ALL OVER ME. I have an entire speech planned for the next time it happens. They will regret their comment, for sure. It hurts my heart SO MUCH. I am close to his birth mom. I knowwww how much she did want him and how much she loves him. Ugh. It just never ceases to amaze me how insensitive and moronic some people can be. :/

  3. Ugh is right. Like it is even ABOUT THAT?! We have had that too. People say things like, "If she could see him now she probably wouldn't have been able to get rid of him."Sigh.Come on.

  4. I just found your blog via FB and I love it. I'm an adoptive Mama too, my Mae looks like she's about 8 months older than Logan, but could be his 8-month older sister. Love your outlook and perspective, think we'd find a lot of similarities in this boat we're both figuring out how to row.

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