May 6th, 2011. Today you were placed into my arms for the first time. My heart just melted as you peeked out from under your tiny swollen eyelids. One look at your pink little face and I felt all of the pain of the last four years vanishing. That pain didn’t matter anymore. All that matters now is you and our little family.
I sit here in this quiet hospital room in the middle of the night listening to you breathe and staring at your little face. I want to remember every single moment. I want to soak it all in. You take my breath away. I hope so many things for you. I wish you love, smooth paths in life, and most of all happiness. I promise to be sure you know how much you are loved each and every day.
I think about your sweet birthmom in the room down the hall. I think about how her heart warms knowing that you are so loved, yet she aches of sadness for having to make this choice–the most difficult choice of her life. I hope and pray that she finds true peace in her decision. I think that she has to an extent, yet I hope that she will know that this is in no way an injustice to you. She loves you so, so much. Sometimes, Buddy…sometimes the best decisions in life are also the hardest to make. Trust me when I say, you came into this world with heaps of love surrounding you.
I have to force myself to put you down. I feel like I can’t let you go. I want you to feel the love that I have for you. I’ve been holding all of this love inside of me for a long, long time. (The nurse says I’ll spoil you. Professionals don’t know everything, Logan–no matter what they think.)
Your Daddy is on top of the world. I’ve never seen him so happy. Tears of joy just keep running from his eyes. He just keeps looking at you and touching your little face. His cup runneth over. That’s what he’d say if he could find the words.
I knew how much I wanted to be a Mommy. I knew it from the time I was five years old. I just never knew that it would feel like THIS. I never knew that I would feel my heart warm like this. And to think…I get to feel this way for the rest of my life.
Love you always,