Shifting Gears

I suppose that we expected some waffling from the bio mom.  I don’t think that we ever thought that she would make her decision at 30 weeks and that would be the final guarantee!  With adoption, it’s a little ridiculous to think that—nothing is final until the judge says he is legally ours.
This is the hardest decision she will ever make in her life.  It’s a very stressful and completely devastating time for her right now.  I truly can’t even imagine.  I’ve spoken before about how much my heart breaks for her.  Monday after we talked, I fell asleep with tears still in my eyes. 
“Having children and being a mother is the only thing
I’ve ever done right—the only thing I have ever been
good at doing.  So letting go of one of them for the
sake of all of them is tearing me apart.”
It makes my heart ache reading her words again.  I wish that she understood that she isn’t “letting him go” in this sense.  She isn’t dumping him somewhere.  She is making sure that he is with a good family that will love and care for him.  She’s making sure he will have a good life.  That isn’t “letting him go” at all.  She is being a loving mother.  I understood what she meant, but I wish that she could see things differently.  She just is not to that point yet.
I told her what she needed to hear, not what would benefit us the most.  I wish that she had someone to talk to that was neutral in the situation.  Emotionally, it’s killing both of us.  It’s not healthy for me to hear all of this aching and pain in her voice, considering that I am one of the adoptive parents.  I know what I need to know to explain her position to our child.  This is all that I truly need to know.
It may sound harsh.  I really do have such empathy for her.  I would never want to be in her position.  I’m just not the one that she needs to talk to about THESE things.  She needs an outside, neutral source to help her through these things.   I know that she won’t.  She’s not even telling anyone that she is pregnant.  I help as best I can. 
I also do not believe that this is necessarily her “changing her mind”.  She is not thinking about what she would have to do in order to keep him.  Her focus at the moment is how horrible she feels about having to do this.  It’s a natural part of the emotional roller coaster of a biological mother that is in the process of placing her child with another family.  We expected this to happen, to some extent. 

Emotion in…logic out.  This IS her nesting phase, after all.

I did not expect for her to choose me to be the listening ear.  It does (in some way) make me feel good that she is choosing me to be the one to express these things.  It’s also making me a little crazy.  Sometimes I feel like she is telling me so that I can be sure to let him know how much of a struggle this was for her.  I’ve promised to do so—he will never think that she didn’t love him. 
He will never think that for one minute.  Corey and I both will be sure of it.
There are only three to four more weeks before he arrives.  The biological father comes home from where he is now on the 21st of this month.  She could really use his support right now.  I am hoping (at this point) that the baby waits until the first week of May so that there is time for them to have several conversations.  They just need to talk.
Until then…we just keep praying…
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