Step by Step

March 23^rd, 2011.  Today we find out the date of the birth mother’s C-Section and the date that we (keep your *fingers crossed*) will hold our little one in our arms.  I have to admit, I’m feeling a little um…wacky?!  The very moment that I catch myself getting excited this voice in my head tells me not to “count my chickens before they hatch”.  I suppose this is my voice of reason.  I am surprised to hear it speaking so loudly. 

My mother would be proud.

The birth mother and I texted each other last night in regards to the appointment.  She didn’t have much to say.  I’m sure that she is trying so hard to keep her emotions out of this as much as possible. I worry for her.

I realize that she needs to face the emotions, but perhaps it is better that she push it aside until after this is all said and done.  I truly hope this is the case.  I really want her to be as “okay” with this as she possible can be considering the situation.  In general, I’m not big on pushing emotions aside.  I’ve never been one to shove things under a rug.  (Much to the dismay of rug-pushers in my life…)  For me, it’s been a challenge to understand that this is how she’s wired and that this is best for her.

Logically, I get it.  Emotionally, I want to sit her down and have a big ‘ole heart-to-heart.  Perhaps when things are over with and all of the legalities are out of the picture she will confront the emotions that she’s pushed aside.  It helps me to think about some bad situations I have been faced with throughout my life and to remember how I got through those tough times.  I’ve had to just “go through the motions” in order to deal with what I was facing at the time.  I’m sure that is what she’s doing in order to cope.  I can’t imagine what she’s going through.  I see how much she loves him.

We are getting so close now.  I know that he could even come sooner than the five weeks that we have left.  I’m a planner by nature and the uncertainty of birth is testing me.  I know that I’d have this if I were carrying the baby as well.  My husband is my polar opposite as far as these things are concerned.  He’s keeping me grounded as best he can.  He’d tell you it is quite a challenge.  I’d tell you that he exaggerates.  😀

It goes without saying—I’m going to be very happy when this is all said and done.  I’m ready to have my little family that I’ve been waiting to have for 12 years!  I’ll always think of the baby’s birth mother and I’ll always have a place for her in my heart.  I try to hold back my excitement when I’m around her.  I worry about what will happen at the hospital with both of the families present.  I truly hope that it all goes well.  It will be awkward.  It will be tense.  Two families together, one grieving and one celebrating…what an emotional moment that is going to be! 

I’ll start practicing the “tone it down Melinda” methods now.