Another Look at Love.

Adoption is a marvelous, beautiful, crazy, emotional whirlwind, AMAZING kind of thing.  Our birth mother could have choose abortion and opted for adoption instead.  I believe that everyone has the right to choose what is best for them, but to allow your child the gift of life–that is a gift beyond measure. 

(No hate mail please, this is my opinion.)

To me, it says so much about her and the love she has for her child.  She is willing to endure the heartache of saying “goodbye” for her child to have a chance at life.  (This goes for the father too, let’s remember.) It’s what real love is all about, after all–unselfish, unbridled, unconditional…love. 

After all, not only is she giving this baby the gift of life, but she is also giving our family a chance to have a child.  I know firsthand the pains that go along with infertility.  It’s truly a pain like no other.  I’ve wanted to be a “mommy” since I was five years old.  Literally.

Our birth mother is giving us the greatest gift of our lives.  She probably will never know the love that I have for her in my heart.  I barely know her yet in my heart she is probably going to be one of the most important people who ever walked into my life.

There hasn’t been a day pass since that initial call that I have not considered our birth mother.  I’ve thought about how hard this must be for her, handing over her child to two people that she doesn’t really know and trusting that they will love him as much as she would love him.  I know that I’ve hoped she could find peace in her decision.  I’ve prayed and prayed that she could see how much we would love him and that she is comfortable with the choice she makes in the end. 

I guess that I didn’t think about how it would all make ME feel.  The normal (expected) feelings are there.  I am excited, nervous, scared, hopeful that this all goes through, and yet holding back enough so that it won’t kill me if she changes her mind.  I didn’t expect guilt.

It’s a sneaky little devil, guilt.  It sort of took over my happiness the day that this wonderful mother sat on my sofa and I watched her heart breaking.  I haven’t been able to forget the pain on her face.  I wanted to cry for her.  I held it together because I didn’t want to make it worse, but my heart sobbed when I heard her say that she knew it was something she had to do…tears flowing down her face.

I want to be floating on cloud nine.  I know it will come.  Once we know he is ours and we hold him and kiss his little face…I know that I will fall instantly in love.  I sort of love him already. 🙂 I just have to be careful of falling too deeply.  Corey and I have been through this three other times.  Three times we’ve had our hearts broken.  I’m trying to guard myself as much as I can. 

I am hopeful.  The mother seemed to really know what was best for this little guy.  She has his best interests at heart and she knows that she is already stretched too thin.  She stated that it wouldn’t be fair to the baby or to her other children to do anything but give him to us.  She referred to him several times as ours and she said that she’s tried her best to not think of him as hers throughout the pregnancy.  She wants a semi-open adoption—no visitation.  This is fine and we will honor her wishes, but I hope that she changes her mind at some point, really I do.  I’d love for her to see him and I believe that it would be best for him.  At least at some point…even if it is when he is eighteen and wants to know who she is.

I keep praying.  I keep hoping and praying that this will work out and in 5 weeks we will walk through the door of our home with our new son.  He has so many people waiting to love him.  I know his birth family would love him as well.  But I also know how anxious ours is to finally have a little one to smother with love.  He will be spoiled rotten and I will absolutelyyyy love every minute of it.


2 thoughts on “Another Look at Love.

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