I’m used to having to hold it together when things get rough. I’ve been doing this for many years. I’ve been through a lot of pretty crazy things during my 36 years on this earth, and despite a couple of meltdowns (and an occasional panic attack) along the way, I believe that I’ve held out pretty well.
It used to be much worse. I didn’t have anyone to really lean on for a long time. Now, I have a great husband who helps me though the crazy times and has helped me learn not to internalize so much. I have leaned upon him countless times during the 4.5 years we have been married, and it’s nice to have someone with whom you can show all of your weaknesses, and they are okay with that. And he loves me still.
I’ve held myself together like a champ throughout all of this adoption craziness. I honestly believe that I’ve even handled the initial infertility issues very well. I cried the day (12 years ago) that I was told I’d probably not be getting pregnant on my own. I cried the day that I realized we were going to have to pursue another option. I don’t think I’ve cried since.
Truly, I think this is because I was really okay with the idea of adoption. I always have been. I’ve loved many children in my life. I loved my stepson as my own for 10 years. I knew that I’d have no issue at all loving a child that I didn’t carry as if he/she were my own. That was never even a consideration. If anything, the concern I had was for my family. I knew that it was important to them that they have a biological grandchild. I knew this meant a lot to my husband’s family as well. I longed to give them this more than anything.
We started this adoption process 2 1/2 years ago. There hasn’t been many positive things to happen along the way, but we just kept pushing. We have felt like pulling out more times than I can probably remember. We have only kept going because we want a family so very badly. It seems so simple. It’s something that so many people take for granted.
Today I think I have met my limit. The little toddler that we were hoping to get as a foster/adopt child has been placed with another family. This makes case #54. We have been turned down for 54 children at this point.
We are tying to pursue other options, but money is definitely an issue. Adoptions are so very expensive. I’m beginning to think this isn’t going to happen for us.
Please keep us in your thoughts and in your hearts.