Last night I had a dream about the baby that we “lost”. I remember how excited we were about his arrival and the hopes and dreams Corey and I shared for the little guy. I remember looking at his picture after his birth…hoping and praying he would soon come home to us.
I also remember the day his father said he wouldn’t be ours.
I remember holding him afterward and still feeling like he was really mine. I remember my heart breaking into pieces. I left his grandmother’s house that day completely shattered.
I know that there will always be a soft spot in my heart for that little guy. It’s so strange to have that in your heart for a child you barely even know. I’m sure it was mostly the idea of having a baby…but Micah is so very real and having his family close to us makes it even harder. I wanted to take him and run the day I first held him.
I couldn’t do a thing.
I remember how awful that felt. I know that we wouldn’t have been perfect parents. But we would have loved him as much as any parent has loved a child. He would have known he was loved. He would have had stability and wonderful grandparents, aunts and uncles. And he still would have been around his biological family.
In my dream he was being placed into the system and we were foster parents. He came to stay with us in our home. We were ready to adopt him (he was about 2 years old) when his bio mom came back into the picture fighting. I’m sure this is all about my fears in this whole process. The fear of going through this again. Yesterday we received the approval for the narrative of our homestudy. I know that’s where this is all coming from. We are getting so close.
I woke up this morning sad and scared all over again. I try so hard to remain hopeful. This is the only chance Corey and I will have at a child (unless somehow we fall into some money…lol). We have to be strong and hold it all together. We have to take things as they come. We have to do this for our child. Parents go through a lot for their children. We just have to start fighting earlier than most.
And we’ll get through it. Thanks to Jehovah and the support system we have. We’ll make it through–one day at a time.
We love you all.