Heartbreak.

So…it appears that we are not going to be able to bring this baby home either.

I realize that it’s hard for someone to have to give up their child to someone else, especially someone that you don’t even know. I realize that I do not have a child of my own and therefore do not know that kind of love (some would say). I did raise a child for nine years as my own and love him as if he were and I always have. I honestly do not believe that I could love any child more than I love Jordan.

Nothing will ever break that from me. He is part of me regardless of who birthed him. For the record, I don’t believe that you have to birth a child to know the love of being someone’s momma. Some say that you don’t know until you’ve had a child. They haven’t ever been faced with the possibility of not having a child either.

I think your heart opens a little more to children in general when you are faced with the sad truth of this. I think that’s what I learned most from Jordan. You choose how much to love someone and they choose to love you back. Sometimes it doesn’t work out on both sides. But when it does…there’s nothing like it.

I have no greater respect than someone who gives their child to another family for the right reasons. Perhaps they will not be able to care for their child the way he deserves and knows that the child will have a better life someone else. Perhaps they know that emotionally they are not mature enough to raise a child at that certain point in there life. Whatever the reason may be–to me this is one of the greatest acts of love.

But to know that your child has no one else in the world to stand up for him and only has you…and to not do anything about it? Sigh. I just do not understand. We aren’t rich people and we may not have much by the world’s standards. We do have a nice home and we do not hurt for anything that we need. We have more love than I can even describe to give to this child. After all, that is the most important thing a child could ever have and we have so much to give. It breaks my heart.

This was our third try for a child and it fell through. I’m not getting any younger and neither is Corey. We aren’t old by any means, no. But we don’t want to be senior citizens before our child graduates from high school either. Besides, we love each other so much and we want more than anything to share that with a child. A child that is our own.

In most cases, when a person says this it’s completely applauded. When a person that cannot bear her own children says this, it’s considered selfish by many. How dare I be upset that someone wants to keep their own child?

I suppose it may be true to an extent. But it’s not selfishness. This much I know is true. It’s just the sound of my heart breaking. We were ready in every way for this baby. We even fell in love with the thought of him. Only once in my life to I remember being so excited to meet someone.

I suppose I got my hopes up when I shouldn’t have, sure. But I honestly thought that there were not going to be any “hangups” with this adoption. I truly thought nothing could stop this from going through. I really tried not to be this way. But imagine if someone told you that you couldn’t be excited about your baby’s birth–or even a friend’s. It’s not your child but you can’t help but to be excited.

I could go into all of the details, but I won’t. They don’t really matter now. I only wish that Micah’s mother knew how much we would love him. I wish she knew that we wanted him more than anything in this world. I wish she understood where we were coming from and I wish that she would have just talked with us. I would have respected her so much for just doing that.

Thanks to all of you for all of the support you’ve given to us throughout all of this. Thank you for all of your prayers. I know they were not in vain. There are other options. We aren’t giving up this battle. We just have to go to “plan D” as Corey says. It’s hard. I’m not making light of the situation. I just cannot let myself fall into another hole. A good friend reminded me of a much needed lesson today.

I knew what she said to be true but sometimes you just have to hear it to remember to stay on the path in front of you and stop turning back. Sometimes we misplace our strength and we need to lean on God instead of ourselves.  I also know that we couldn’t have made it through this without our faith and without the love of an absolutely wonderful congregation, family and fantastic friends.

We love you all.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Corey and Melinda

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